When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.