The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My plans: 2020:
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby