ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?