You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend