Happy Caturday!
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it