WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?