My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
japanese corn
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A classic…
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’