*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped