boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better