[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
we’re gonna need another temp