Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.