I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much