KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?