I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Breaking news:
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
#JohnTravolta
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁