The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The 6 types of sex
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.