I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper