If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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I finally found a reason to live again.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd