When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
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I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The Assassin.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.