I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
New Tinder profile.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The two types of wives
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
#polloftheday
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.