[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
#SaturdayBears
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*