Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Snapes on a plane.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Pringles
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower