When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.