If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Baking is just science you can eat.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
what day is it?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying