When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.