[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me too
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.