I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.