My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
my mind
You just read my mind
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.