I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
That’s fair
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?