i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that