Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Thursday Thought.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Bike for sale
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.