3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Same post same
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?