Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.