Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Yup
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”