My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo