Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Never ghost your hitman.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.