Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Oh deer
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted