My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you