My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom