Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You Might Also Like
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day