One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Stick it to the man
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
no regrets
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything