They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
hi why am I like this
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.