I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I love twitter
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
are they though??
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*