Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Hot Panini is in big trouble