The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Flock of bats
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
In banana years, I am bread.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”