‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
next level snooze
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.