Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
They’re not wrong
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out