Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.