As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu