date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Found my door mat
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human