You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”